This post has been written with neurodivergent individuals in mind, and therefore includes shorter sections, sections that are bullet pointed, and examples are given for a thorough understanding.
Note that these explanations and examples come from real people I’ve interacted with and spoken to around me, including ex-partners, however they are not representative of every relationship. You are always encouraged to do your own research – especially if you plan to represent one of the identities mentioned here in your writing – in detail.
Types of attraction
There are three majorly recognised types of attraction which come into play, in both queer and straight relationships:
Romantic attraction is attraction to another person in a romantic way, such as a desire to touch someone, hold hands, kiss, or spend quality time together.
Aesthetic attraction is attraction to another person in an objective or physical way, such as admiring certain aspects of physicality or gender presentation.
Sexual attraction is an intimate feeling of attraction to a person in a sexual way, which can present as feeling aroused when thinking about or looking at the person, thinking about the person when masturbating, or wanting to self-pleasure when around them without the individual being involved.
Only romantic and sexual attraction is noted in the terminology of queer relationships. Therefore, someone can, for instance, be “bisexual”, “biromantic”, or both.
Similarly, someone who experiences a lack of or serious fluctuation in romantic attraction is known as “aromantic”, and someone with a lack of or serious fluctuation in sexual attraction is known as “asexual”. Someone who experiences neither romantic nor sexual attraction, or experiences it in very specific circumstances only, uses a combination of both terms, and is “aroace”. The opposite is “alloromantic” or “allosexual”, meaning people who do experience some notable level of romantic or sexual attraction.
Some terms, such as “gay” and “lesbian”, don’t specify whether they refer to romantic or sexual attraction, and while often times it is sexual attraction a person means, they can be clarified further, such as how I identify as an asexual lesbian: someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but is romantically and aesthetically attracted to women.
Bi- orientation
Bisexual or biromantic people are attracted to both their own gender and those of another gender – the prefix “bi” meaning “two”. It refers to any combination of two genders, which includes one’s own gender identification. This can mean male and female, or a binary and a nonbinary identity, or even people without gender (“agender”) can be included as one of the two.
Common misconceptions we, as writers, should aim to combat include:
The assumption that bi people only acknowledge the two binary genders of male and female;
The assumption that there is a larger dating pool available to bi people and therefore they will leave their partner or love interest for the opposite gender;
The assumption that bi people are selfish and want to date everyone;
The assumption that if a bi person marries someone of the opposite gender to them, they’re now straight – this is commonly known as “bi erasure” or “biphobia”, whereby a bi person is no longer assumed queer once they are in a relationship that appears straight; and
The assumption that bi people can simply choose to be with the opposite gender and therefore pass as straight among society, avoiding negative queer stereotypes or judgement – they have as little choice in who they are attracted to or fall in love with as any of us.
Pan- orientation
Pansexual or panromantic people don’t factor gender into their attraction, and therefore are attracted to any genders, regardless of one’s gender identity – the prefix “pan” meaning “all”. This means they’re more likely to be attracted to a person based on personality and how they get along, and personal values such as humour, confidence, or compassion. You often hear the term “gender blind” used to explain this orientation.
Sexual attraction factors into this because a pansexual person doesn’t see the person for what physical sexual attributes someone has, but wants to have sex on the basis of who a person is.
Common misconceptions we, as writers, should aim to combat include:
Similar to that of bi people, there is the assumption that there is a larger dating pool available to pan people and therefore they will leave their partner or love interest for the opposite gender;
Also the same is the obvious fact that no one chooses who they fall in love with and therefore a) there’s no higher risk that a pan person will leave their partner for someone else or cheat than there is with a straight person, and b) they cannot choose to pass as straight among society, there is no choice involved, as with any relationship; and
The assumption that pan people are “unable to choose”, so it’s easier to use pan as a catch-all term.
Onmi- orientation
Omnisexual or omniromantic orientations are almost the same as pan, except for one core distinction, which is that omni people do recognise gender (are not “gender blind”). Onmi people are attracted to any genders, however gender plays a key role in those attractions forming, and relationships with one gender can look different from another for this reason. Because they do recognise gender, this means they can have a preference or lean one way in attraction on the gender spectrum, even if that means leaning towards people without gender.
A lot of the negative stereotypes and misconceptions are much the same as those above, such as assuming omni people simply cannot make up their mind, or are selfish. Much like bi stereotypes, there’s also the pervasive assumption that omni people are transphobic because gender does matter to them – however this dismisses the important fact that transgender, nonbinary and agender people do have a gender identity, which onmi, bi and pan identities are all aware of and inclusive of.
Polyamorous relationships
Unlike the above romantic and sexual orientations, polyamory describes a relationship dynamic, though this can be confused at times. A polyamorous is simply a relationship that involves more than two partners, or is open to including more people into their relationship dynamic.
Some are straightforward to explain and understand, such as those where all the people in the relationship or “polycule” are dating one another. But oftentimes it’s a little more nuanced and down to the individuals involved.
For instance, regarding sexual attraction and acts, if one member of the polycule is straight, they possibly only have sex with the members of the opposite sex within their polycule. It’s common for only some members of a polycule to be present during sexual acts, or to split up for the sake of getting the pleasure they seek from whatever gender identity they generally seek sexual gratification from.
Some members of a poly relationship may date just one person, and not be romantically or sexually involved with any others, but consent to being in a relationship with someone who has other relationships such as the polycule.
Often parenting roles will also be shared, and the most able to provide sperm or carry a foetus will volunteer to do so, but be raised with the knowledge that they have a complex, non-nuclear family, with often self-titled parental or guardian roles.
Every single polycule is different, just as every partnership functions differently, and every individual has unique preferences and attractions. If in doubt, it’s okay to ask respectfully for clarification, but never to judge someone for their attractions – or lack thereof.
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